FIGEL and the intern

This is my Blog Battle Entry for July 2022 and the prompt is Hatch.

Figel and the Intern

Figel Narage was one of the most annoying, self righteous and obnoxious individuals to work at the Jacob and Bradley management consultancy. He was also totally incompetent however he had managed through all kind of obnoxious schemes to work his way up the company by means of extortion. Many times his superiors and the board had tried to rid themselves of this intolerable wretch but he always seemed to have a stranglehold over someone.

It started out when he found out that that his boss was helping himself to the custard creams from the tea cupboard not long after he joined. The prospect of the rest of their small team finding out about this misdemeanor would have meant the morale plummeting during those late night working sessions. Figel was rapidly promoted and after a couple of years when the boss suffered a nervous breakdown Figel was first in line to take over.

It was when he discovered that the divisional manager Alan Bonson was using the board room for unsavory meetings with one of the young office assistants that saw Figel propelled into top management. However it wasn’t that he was spearheading some moral campaign, far from it, not a single thought in his head had come from his own imagination, it was almost always from someone else.

Now he was quite senior in the company he had a dodgy security company install camera’s in some key places, another idea idea he stole when a young intern had suggested greater security was need to stop someone helping themselves to their chicken cesar salad from the fridge during morning tea break. Figel had naturally stopped their idea but put in place his own and now he was able to keep tabs and wait for the next senior person to do something nefarious. The thing was that it wasn’t happening and he had to do something else to bring about this next turn of events. Figel hatched a plan.

A new intern was starting and Figel was going to be supervising them, he had never been asked to do this before but apparently Pete was too weird and caused problems last year. Figel would use this intern to get Reginald Dump the chief information officer to disclose information on some of the dodgy contracts. Either that or he would get them tin find some. Figel knew from his early days at the company that he was dodgy, he had just never been able to prove it. Reginald was also the person he hated most in the company, the two of them so like minded Figel suspected that Reginald knew his game.

“Figel!” Came a voice from behind him. It was Reginald. “How are you feeling about taking this intern under your wing?” Reginald asked in his booming voice, slapping Figel on the shoulder.

“I’m fine with it thank you.” Figel replied in a thin, whiny voice. “I’ll make sure they spend some time with you looking over some of the contracts. I hear you need some help.”

Reginald grinned “Sure that would be great. I look forward to it!” Reginald turned on his heels and made back towards his office with a steaming coffee in hand. Figel grinned he knew he had him and in not too long he would be chief information officer.

A few days later Figel’s intern Ethel had arrived, she looked a little older than they thought they would be but in this day and age it was hard to tell anyone’s age. Over the first few days Figel talked her through the official company stuff and tried to impress her with talk of real ale and cigars while carefully drip feeding knowledge about he did things. He didn’t however divulge information about the extra ‘security’ watching the fridge in the breakout area and one or two other places. That was his secret.

After a few weeks Figel decided Ethel was ready to help Reginald with his contracts and marched her along the corridors of power to a big door with ‘Chief Information Officer – Reginald Dump’ written across it on a brass plate. Figel knocked.

“Come in!” Reginald boomed.

Figel opened the door “Hello Reginald.” He whined in his irritating voice. “This is Ethel, I’m sending her to help you out for a few weeks. Let me know if there’s anything else you need!”

“Oh don’t worry – I don’t need anything else. Close the door on your way out won’t ya?” Figel left, closing the door and allowing himself a wry smile.

As the days went by Figel made sure that he kept Ethel informed about which contracts he was interested in, which ones he knew were dodgy and some of them went back years. Ethel understood her role and kept Figel up to dat with what she found. Day after day brought new revelations, by now Figel could taste success and glory as he was about to take down his biggest rival. Figel allowed Ethel to use his office to update records and record all that she was finding.

Then one day, it stopped. Ever so suddenly without word Ethel didn’t turn up for work. Several days went by and still no Ethel. What was going on? Figel had suspected she might have covid or something but there was no answer to his phone calls. Frustrated he started to look through for the evidence he needed and had so cunningly gathered, but there was none. It was as if his whole personal area on the server had been cleaned, interfered with – that was impossible Password is a good password for any system – at least that’s what he had read on Twitter once.

Figel jumped, startled as there was a knock on the door.

“Come in!” he whined.

Reginald burst in. “Where is she? What’s going on?”

“I don’t know – what do you mean what’s going on?” Figel replied.

“Ethel – you’re damn intern!” Reginald bellowed. “She’s got me locked out and here… I’m fired!” He bellowed again throwing a letter at Figel. Figel picked it up, grinngin from ear to ear as he read throughthe letter detailing Reginald’s misconduct and immediate termination with no severance. He had done it.

Before Reginald could continue his rant Figel’s phone rang, excusing himself he pushed past Reginald and strod down the corridors of power. He got to Reginald’s door where a workman was removing the brass nameplate. Figel couldn’t help but smile as he thoght about his name up there, bold as well. Brass.

Opening the door Ethel was standing behind the desk bearing the face of victory.

“Hello Figel.” She smirked. “Come in but don’t get comfortable.”

“What do you mean?” Figel asked “You’ve done a brilliant job now it’s time for me…”

Ethel held up her hand. “It seems Mr Narage that not only has Mr Dump been embroiled in scandal, you have as well and the company asked me to investigate.”

“Wh-what you mean you’re…”

“No, I’m not an intern, do you think I look that young or that inexperienced?” Ethel explained. “The last few weeks have been necessary to find out what’s been going on. I’m happy to say that you’re no longer needed here, so get out. Now!” Ethell pointed at the door, Figel now bitterly deflated, opened the door to see Ethel’s name on the door as chief Information officer. A security officer handed him his things in a box and led him out of the building.

Ethel sttod at the window, watching as the two corrupt men were led away, she sat on the chair leaned back and put her feet on the desk and she grinned looking through the envelope of dodgy money reginald had given her to tempt her to grass up Figel. Another little bonus for her. Ethel was going to like it here. If there is a moral to this disturbing story of no morals it is perhaps this. Don’t trust anyone, you never know who’s out to get you.

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26 thoughts on “FIGEL and the intern

  1. Ahh, the first letter swap. I did that in Brexit Warrior with the whole cabinet some time ago. As Abe said, very cloak and dagger. Always one in every place that believes they are untouchable. I actually know several here. So far up themselves they don’t realise we’re not all stupid lackeys.

    Enter Ethel on that part clearly. Although it’s entirely possible in this scenario her time might be as long as it takes to find a new intern haha

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah, the cloak and the dagger and all the backstabbing! Incompetent usually is in conjunction with self righteous and obnoxious, so Figel seemed quite real. I also liked how he and Reginald were compared as contrasted, something of peas in a pod yet speaking in opposite tones of voice. I did begin suspecting Ethel as soon as he turned her over to Reginald, so the revelation about her role was not a surprise but a satisfactory confirmation. My favorite phrase was when he imagined his name on the door as bold as … well … brass. Entertaining read!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sharp and incisive Simon, filled with little witty factual observations of the jungle-life in an office. I had a sudden burst of laughter at the line:
    ‘Password is a good password for any system – at least that’s what he had read on Twitter once.’ Well, someone like Figel would think that wouldn’t he?
    The ending words were sublime too; they reminded me of James Thurber in his best essayist mode.

    Liked by 1 person

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