Miranda, Gaz and Ralph froze. They all recognised the voice behind them and yet they couldn’t quite believe it.
“Boris?” Ralph asked. The three of them turned to face the scruffy bafoon.
“Nice one!” Miranda scoffed in a particularly unimpressed tone. “Harry take that thing off!”
“What do you mean?” Boris retorted “I’m no skinny runt in a suit!”
“Yeah, whatever!” Miranda strode over and began pulling at his face, Boris bent over with pain but Miranda wasn’t letting go. Boris’s screams of pain were letting louder as the pair wrestled.
“Man that thing is stuckon well!” She panted. It was then that Miranda became aware of the twenty or so armed guards behind the scruffy haired man and the blood trickling down his face.
“How did you get away from the Bak’Rah? I thought that would keep you out of the way!”
“It would have normally but it just so happened that auntie Doris’s sisters, cousin three times removed, daughter so happened to be on board as a guest of the high commander and convinced the Bah’Rah commander to let me go back to my ship. Small universe eh?” Boris jeered.
“Yes. Too damn small!” Miranda replied between gritted teeth.
“Are you taking the mickey?” Gaz grated at Boris? The small creature strode (as much as a small creature could) towards him gesticulating his hands towards the messed up Borian. “I should beat you to a pulp!”
“Leave it Gaz!” Miranda insisted.
It was too late, Gaz had lept onto Boris and setting about beating him. Boris was on the floor in a flash and in a chaos or arms and legs and grunting and grating Gaz seemed to be doing pretty well. The guards who at first trained their weapons onto the small creature began jeering and laughing at Boris’s inability to overwhelm the small creature.
Miranda was standing, in disbelief. Looking to the side she saw Ralph who was looking at her. As if expecting something amazing to happen. Nothing amazing needed to happen really, with everyone distracted Miranda pulled out the zap-o-kill and with a broad beam and a few shots brought the guards down to their knees, whimpering.
Gaz jumped off of Boris “Took your time didn’t you? What did you want a holographic invite?”
Boris looked shell shocked, Miranda pointed the zap-o-kill at Boris and his look dropped even more. “What are going going to do to me?” He asked nervously, looking round to see if any of his guards would save him. They were al doubled over in agony.
“I thought that was a zap-o-kill?” Ralph asked.
“It is.” Miranda seemed confused by the question.
“So why are they still alive?”
“The zap-o-kill, kills the desire to kill I suppose. Are you suggesting I should have a weapon that actually ended someone’s life? Why would I want that? The galactic high emperor banned weapons that kill centuries ago. I forget you humans haven’t caught up with us yet, you humans are so barbaric!” With this Miranda strode towards Boris.
“But it’s ok, to blow up a load of enemies in a spaceship?” Ralph shouted after.
“Yeah, that different isn’t it? Sure you can do that if you really wanted to but it’s a complete waste of time and resources for everyone.”
Ralph didn’t reply, some things in this great galaxy seemed good, other plain bonkers. But then living on Earth and especially in England this kind of madness seemed pretty normal.
Miranda woan handled Boris up “Up you get you!” She hissed.
“W-What are you going to do to me?” Boris stammered.
“Nothing, I just want to get this damn service station up and running like you and everyone else!”
“Hold it there!”
Miranda turned, Theresa May stood there with a small entourage of guards.
“No, you hold it!”
All of a sudden around ten planetary leaders appeared with their guards ready to snatch… something.
“Right you lot! Listen to me!” Miranda shouted. Ralph moved closer to Miranda, thinking that she much have some plan. Gaz gruinted and snorted looking around to find out which target he was going to go after first, almost breaking his neck trying to decide.
“I have been trying to get the Great Galactic Service Station up and running. I have been hindered by you and everyone I’ve come into contact with!”
“I helped!” Whispered Ralph.
“Shut up!” Miranda whispered back. “We all want the same thing!” Miranda shouted again. “So why are we fighting each other like stupid humans?”
“Oh I see!” Theresa shouted. “The daughter of the galactic emperor thinks we don’t know what she’s up to!”
“What am I up to?” Miranda shouted back.
“You’re after all the pasties!” Theresa barked back.
In a moment of rather macabre brilliance that Harry would be proud of Miranda answered “Actually, the Corelians are the pasty monsters, the Borians, Bak’Rah, Aldeberans want the Mars bars!” Then Miranda ran out of ideas so on a roll she started waving and pointing “You want what they want, They want what you and and you buggers want everything! So why don’t you all sort out who has what and leave me out of it so I can give it to you!”
Miranda turned and ran, Ralph in shock didn’t see she had gone for a moment. Realising he turned and ran after her. Just as the boiling point of the assembled leaders kind of wel… boiled over. All kind of fighting started, Theresa was trying to knaw the arm off a Bak’Rah even though they didn’t want the same thing. It was total carnage.
Back at the control panel Miranda hauled Boris up “Can I trust you to stand there?”
“Yes” Boris replied shamefully.
Turning to the box Miranda saw a familiar face. “Harry! What are doing here?”
“Well, someone had to help you. I’ve set up the controls to activate the station.”
“Where is it?” Ralph asked.
“It’s above and around us Human. You’ll see, this will be a treat for you!”
“Hang on.” Miranda stopped him. “Do we really want to activate the station? Look at these idiots. Every single one of them fighting over Mars bard, Pasties and Pork scratchings. They’re been stranded here so long they’ve become so … human.
“But… You’re all kind of human!” Ralph protested.
“What?” The group protested.
“I agree you’ve moved on in so many ways and your technology is amazing but you’re also all totally barking mad!”
“That’s life in the galaxy Ralph.” Miranda scoffed.
“So… you’re human like. We’re not perfect at all, we’re as mad as a box of frogs. Just like you guys. Given them their service station. It might shut them up for five minutes. If you blew it up then all these aliens, including you would still be stranded here.”
“You’re right human!” Gaz grated. “I don’t want to be on this dirt ball any longer than I have to!”
“There, see!” Ralph protested.
“I wouldn’t mind going home either.” Boris insisted charmingly. “This bloody politics act is a nightmare and I can’t stand working for that Theresa. God knows I’ve tried to get rid of her!”
“Ok” Miranda calmly flicked the switch. Then a noise started whirring from right under them, louder and louder shaking the ground they stood on.
To be continued…
©Simon Farnell 2018