Ralph was quiet, trying to digest the shocking news that Boris Johnson was an alien! He was vaguely aware that Miranda was trying to talk to him through his haze of thought. He was snapped out of it in an instant when the spaceship shook and he was thrown to his knees.
“What was that?” Ralph was panicked, shouting out for some kind of reassurance. He didn’t get it.
“I’m not sure!” Miranda shouted back “But I don’t think it was good whatever it was! Harry go and check the quantum sensor readouts and see what the proximity sensors are telling us!”
“Errr, we’ve been grabbed by another ship, it looks like Borian battle cruiser!” Harry said somewhat matter of factly. He was wandering over calmly in the direction of a corridor.
“But – you haven’t checked the sensors – how can you know?”
He turned to look at Miranda, Harry was in some kind of strange d’uh mood, “I looked out of the window. But I can check on the sensors too if you like!” With that he wandered out of sight down the corridor.
It’s worth noting at this point something about window’s as there is some slight relevance here. Well there isn’t really but a little verbal diarrhea at times like this can reduce the stress in the reader somewhat. The origin of windows is somewhat hazy, no race in the galaxy actually admits to having invented them. The main reason for this is that generally speaking they are somewhat useless. They always break easier than whatever it is they’re set in, they lose more heat and they let in light. I know at this point many will say “Ah – but you can see out of them!” While this is definitely a good point there are many times that you don’t want to see out of a window – especially when bad things that might break them are happening. Any sane living creature would want to hide form this horror. So for now a window is somewhere to put wither a potted plant, ornaments or toilet rolls.
“Where’s he going?” screamed Ralph “We’re going to die aren’t?” Ralph was becoming more than a little frantic “How do I get out of this??”
“Pull it together human! There’s no way out apart from jumping out into space!” Miranda shouted back. “You’re stuck here!”
Ralph’s franticness turned into whimpering “I’m going to die out here!”
The cold vacuum of space was something very real in Ralph’s mind as he dared to look out of the window to see what evil he might be facing. What he saw defied all belief, he expected a terrifying spacecraft of immense proportions. While it was immense there was no mistaking it – a bright blue ray was being directed at their spacecraft by what could only be described as a big bendy bus without wheels.
“You’re joking me right?” Ralph asked, turning to Miranda. “A bendy bus?”
Miranda was following Harry down the corridor, she turned to Ralph as he expressed his disbelief “What are you on about human? That’s a Borian battle cruiser!”
“It’s a bendy bus for heaven’s sake! Without wheels!”
“I don’t know what you’re on about human!” Miranda retorted she continued doen the corridor after Harry, Gaz following closely grizzling and muttering gargoyley things. Ralph looked out of the window again and then started after Miranda. At the end of the corridor was what must have been the control centre. Harry was working at the controls, Miranda yelling at him to know what they wanted and a vista of the huge bendy bus that was the Borian battle cruiser on a panoramic view screen before him.
Ralph now felt very lost and very small and couldn’t shake the feeling that he had looked on his last dawn.
At this point it’s probably prudent to make a note about space. As it’s already been noted, the universe is very big. Most of this is comprised of space. Space is a weirdly appropriate name to give to this as that’s exactly what it is – space. Cold and virtually empty. If a human were to enter space without a space suit his eyes would pop out, his lungs would explode and probably his head too. There are however some humans that believe that this a myth and a conspiracy to hold power over the human race. They believe that wearing a space suit on the moon is unnecessary. Victor Klogen was one such person and in the late 21st century set out to prove this by setting foot on the Moon without a spacesuit. To make sure the whole thing was captured, camera’s filmed the whole thing. Weirdly it took only a few microseconds for him to realise his mistake. The last images of him were not pretty as you can imagine, he seemed to be trying to say something to the camera but again weirdly nothing could be heard as there isn’t any air on the moon. Victor’s venture was deemed to be one of the hilarious mishaps in human exploration and indeed one of it’s greatest acts of stupidity.
Back on the control centre the chaos had reached it’s peak, Miranda, Harry and Gaz having a full on argument while a calm female computer voice sounded out “We are under attack” over and over. The arguing however was brought to a halt when three more figures walked into the control centre. Ralph couldn’t believe his eyes. There before him were two tall and serious looking men in suits, wearing sunshades with some kind of listening device in their ear. In between them was a blonde and scruffy looking older man – it was Boris Johnson.
“Hello there!” Boris croned.
“What are you doing here and why have you captured my ship?” Miranda demanded.
“There’s no need for that tone young lady. I merely want to have chat with your guest.” Boris continued deviously.
Ralph gulped, he had no idea what to expect. There he was still in his work standard trousers, shirt and tie. Looking and feeling insignificant with the stain of tomato ketchup from the morning’s long forgotten breakfast.
“W-what do you want?” Ralph asked hesitantly.
“I need to know where I can re-fuel my spacecraft if you don’t mind!” Boris demanded.
Ralph rolled his eyes “Not you as well! I’ve been having this same conversation with these three” Ralph explained indignantly. “I’ll say to you what I told them – I have no idea about any space ship service station in, on or near my house!”
“Listen” Boris continued “This is all very simple, I need to be able to get 400 fuel units to be able to get to the Antares star system becasue I want to conquer it and on the way I would like to be able to have a Mars bar or two to keep me going!”
“You can get a Mars bar from the BP garage round the corner!”
“Yes, but they’re not a proper Mars bar – the person that came up with the Mars bar copied what he found from us. I can’t get the fuel I need from the BP garage either. So I want you to stop messing about and help me or I’ll blow your ship up and throw you into space! Now doesn’t that sound scary?”
“I’m not scared!” grated Gaz.
“Well that doesn’t surprise me!” Boris retorted “Your kind are too stupid and arrogant to be scared!”
“What’s that’s supposed to mean?” Gaz was now looking more than a little angry.
“Calm yourself dear chap. My issue isn’t with you but this rather, dull and ordinary human we have here. Just hand him over and I’ll be gone and let you on your way!”
“No chance!” Miranda shouted defiantly and with that she shot out her capture beam, immobilising Boris and this two guards. She walked them over down the corridor and to the airlock in the loading bay. Harry had followed her, he opened the inner door and secured the three of them inside.
Pulling out a video-o-com from her pocket ( it looks rather like a smartphone) she pointed it at herself in front of the door so whoever was on the other end could see what she had done.
“Let us go or I let Boris and his boys out!” she demanded.
Only a moment later the ship lurched as the capture beam let it go.
“Now don’t follow us – I’ll let Teresa have him back! Don’t follow us!”
With that Miranda and Harry went back to the control centre. Boris was left knocking on the window with a only a muffled “Let me out” audiable on the inside.
To be continued…
©Simon Farnell 2017